Dr. Varsha Basheer
Programme Lead, Behavioural Research and Mentoring Initiatives, Loyola College of Social Sciences
“Gentle parenting” has become a familiar phrase. But somewhere along the way, it has sometimes acquired an unintended meaning: “If I am a gentle parent, I should not say no. I should not upset my child. I should always validate what they want”.
That is not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting does not mean saying yes to everything your child says. It means responding to your child with respect while still accepting your responsibility as the parent to guide, protect and set limits. And sometimes, being the parent means saying no.
Feelings Are Valid. Every Request Isn’t.
Your child can be genuinely upset because you said no to another episode of their favourite show. You can understand the disappointment without changing the decision. You could say:
“I know you really wanted to watch another episode. It’s disappointing when we don’t get what we want. But screen time is finished for today.”
Your child may cry. They may complain. They may even tell you that you are the worst parent in the world. You don’t have to argue with the feeling. And you don’t have to surrender the boundary.
This distinction between accepting a child’s feelings and accepting every behaviour or demand is important. Emotional validation tells a child, “Your experience matters.” It does not necessarily mean, “Your request will be granted.”
Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside, describes her approach as “sturdy parenting” rather than simply gentle parenting. Her framework emphasises understanding what is happening beneath a child’s behaviour while remaining capable of holding an appropriate boundary (Kennedy, 2024).
As Dr. Becky puts it:
“Two things are true.”
Your child can be overwhelmed and you can remain the parent.
Your child can be angry and the boundary can remain.
Children Need Warmth and Structure
Decades of developmental research have distinguished between parenting that is warm but provides few limits, parenting that is highly controlling but emotionally cold, and parenting that combines warmth with appropriate expectations and boundaries.
Psychologist Diana Baumrind’s influential work on parenting styles described “authoritative parenting” as a combination of responsiveness and appropriate demands. In other words, children benefit not simply from warmth, and not simply from control, but from a combination of the two (Baumrind, 1967; Baumrind, 1991).
So, the choice isn’t: Strict OR gentle.
A healthier goal is: Warm AND firm.
Think of a child learning to cross a road. We don’t say, “I respect your feelings, so you can decide whether you want to hold my hand.” We hold the hand, and we can do it kindly. The boundary exists because the child is still developing the judgement and skills needed to manage the situation independently. The same principle applies to bedtime, screens, safety, respectful behaviour, school routines and countless everyday decisions.
“I won’t let you” can be a loving sentence
Imagine your child hits their sibling because they are angry. A harsh response might be:
“Stop it! What is wrong with you?”
A permissive response might be:
“They’re angry. Let them express themselves.”
A gentle but firm response might sound like:
“You are really angry. I understand. And I won’t let you hit your brother. I’m going to help you calm down.”
The child’s emotion is welcomed, and the harmful behaviour is stopped and the relationship remains intact. This is the balance that Dr. Becky Kennedy refers to in her work: parents can recognise a child’s feelings while still exercising parental authority and setting firm boundaries.
As she explains, seeing children as “good inside” does not mean giving them permission to behave however they want (Kennedy, 2024).
Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson make a related argument in No-Drama Discipline. They describe effective discipline as an opportunity to teach rather than simply punish, while still maintaining clear limits and expectations (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).
That changes the question from:
“How do I make my child obey?”
To:
“What does my child need to learn here, and how can I teach it without damaging our connection?”
Your Child’s Unhappiness Is Not Necessarily a Parenting Failure
We naturally want our children to be happy. So, when they cry after hearing “no”, we may begin doubting ourselves. “Maybe I’m being too strict. Maybe I should give in. Maybe gentle parenting means I shouldn’t make them feel this upset”.
But children will experience disappointment whether we prepare them for it or not. They will not always get the friend they want, the mark they hoped for, the admission they expected, the job they applied for, or the answer they wanted from another person. Learning “I can be disappointed and still be okay” is an important life skill.
Our role isn’t to remove every uncomfortable feeling. It is to help children experience those feelings safely, while gradually developing the ability to manage them.
Research on child development consistently highlights the importance of responsive relationships in helping children develop emotional and social capacities. A caring adult who remains emotionally available while guiding a child through difficult experiences provides an important foundation for developing these skills (Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, n.d.).
UNICEF’s guidance on positive parenting similarly describes the approach as one that combines warmth and emotional responsiveness with clear, age-appropriate boundaries. Positive parenting is not about allowing children to do whatever they want; it is about guiding behaviour without frightening, humiliating or hurting them (UNICEF, 2026).
The Goal Isn’t Obedience. It Is Growing Capacity.
Perhaps this is the most useful way to think about gentle parenting. We are not simply trying to raise children who do what they are told. We want children who gradually learn to:
- tolerate disappointment
- manage strong emotions
- respect other people’s boundaries
- express disagreement safely
- make thoughtful choices
- take responsibility for their behaviour
- recover when things don’t go their way
That requires practice. And practice sometimes looks like a child being disappointed while a calm adult stays beside them.
Dr. Becky Kennedy describes the parent’s role as being a “sturdy” presence; someone who can remain connected to themselves and to their child at the same time, rather than becoming overwhelmed by the child’s emotions (Kennedy, 2024).
Your child’s big reaction does not necessarily mean you made the wrong decision. Sometimes it simply means they are having a hard time with a perfectly reasonable boundary.
Sometimes the most secure message a parent can give is:
“I see you. I hear you. I love you. And I am still going to hold this boundary.”
That isn’t a failure of gentle parenting. That is gentle parenting with compassion, but firmness when needed.
References
- Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43–88.
- Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431691111004
- Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). Serve and Return. Retrieved from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child Key Concepts.
- Kennedy, B. (2024, January 16). Good Inside Parenting is Not Gentle Parenting. Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Episode 136.
- Kennedy, B. (2024). Good Inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
- UNICEF. (2026, May 11). Positive parenting tips for babies and children ages 0–5. UNICEF Asia and the Pacific.
- UNICEF. (2026). Positive parenting vs. strict parenting. UNICEF Asia and the Pacific.